Richard Knott

Zero

She looked at me across the kitchen table
As if to challenge me to read her mind
And if I had to give that look a label
I'd call it boy how can you be so blind
Then I saw her magazine lay open
I tried to read the headline upside down
Put your man to the test, but before I read the rest
She opened up and really went to town

And she said, on this scale of one to ten you're zero
You don't even make it past first base
Once upon a time you were my hero
Now buddy, you ain't even in the race
Your fashion sense it never left the 60s
You're getting threatening letters from the bank
And when we're in the sack, boy there's something that you lack
I think your love boat hit the rocks and sank

Well she was in no mood for me to argue
Now she was getting nicely in her stride
With plenty more shortcomings still to run through
I knew I would be swimming 'gainst the tide
That magazine had poisoned all her thinking
Comparing me with some imagined guy
He's sensitive, he's kind, he's a real man redefined
And like a dinosaur I knew my end was nigh

When she said, on this scale of one to ten you're zero
You don't even make it past first base
Once upon a time you were my hero
Now buddy, you ain't even in the race
Your fashion sense it never left the 60s
You're getting threatening letters from the bank
And when it comes to sex, boy I think you're past your best
Cause now your old six shooter's firing blanks

I said but darling I've got things to tell you
I know I'm far from perfect but please wait
But she was out the door and heading home to mom before
I could ask her if my lottery win might help her re-evaluate

Now my new girlfriend seems to like me just fine
She even talks about my boyish charms
She never criticises and she don't whine
When it comes to loving me she has no qualms
The simple things in life are what she values
Like my fourteen bedroom mansion by the bay
Oh she's the perfect mate, her priorities are straight
And there's still several million dollars till she says

On this scale of one to ten you're zero
You don't even make it past first base
Once upon a time you were my hero
Now buddy, you ain't even in the race
My fashion sense just doesn't seem to matter
Now I get begging letters from the bank
As for the physical side, well I've got nothing to hide
But I won't embarrass you by being frank
Let's just say there's a new tiger in my tank